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Hilarious Reports Urban Legends

Lists of language errors, supposedly written by semiliterate or careless persons, are passed around in offices in written, typewritten, or photocopied form and more recently on the Internet. Often it is claimed that these errors originated in these same offices, but many have existed for many years in countless different places.


Among the forms these reports take are these (with a sample of each):
“The Welfare Letter” (“In accordance to your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope”); “The Accident Report” (“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”); “Letters to the Army” (“I am glad to say that my husband who was reported missing is now dead.”); “Parents’ Excuses for Students” (“Please excuse Judy; she was in bed with gramps”); “That’s What you Dictated, Doctor” (“The patient refused an autopsy”); and “From Actual Court Records” (“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”).

Other such hilarious error lists purport to be quoted from signs posted in foreign hotels, announcements printed in church bulletins, and students’ answers to examination questions. Some of the errors, of course,may really have been committed, but the long lists that have existed for many years, often with the same or very similar items, surely must contain mostly apocryphal items. “TheWelfare Letter” has been documented longer than most such lists, with examples found as long ago as World War I.

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The Heroic Hacker Urban Legends

The computer hacker is often depicted in the popular press as a socially maladjusted teenager whose goal is to wreak malicious havoc on unsuspecting computer users. In the culture of the computer programmer, however, the hacker takes on a different aspect. The true hacker admired by these insiders is raised to heroic status in tales of amazing feats of programming that are circulated through computer networks.


The best-known and most widely disseminated of these accounts is “The Story of Mel: A Real Programmer,” which began to circulate via computers in 1983. Although the author has been identified, the text is regarded as anonymous by many computer buffs, and it has several variations. Generally the story retains a sort of free-verse format, and it is always replete with highly technical jargon. “The Story of Mel” takes place at a time when “real programmers wrote in machine code,” that is, directly in the strings of ones and zeroes that form the binary language that is actually “read” by computers.

Mel’s incredible skills and defiant attitude toward “progress” amaze and inspire later generations of programmers “in this decadent era of light beer, hand calculators, and ‘user-friendly’ software.” The heroic story is alluded to in other hacker legends in which such a statement may appear as, “All I know is: Mel would have *loved* it!”

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The Helpful Mafia Neighbor Urban Legends

Also known as “A Friend of the Family,” this legend describes a couple who move to an expensive suburb and who find their home burglarized when they return from a weekend trip. When they ask their new neighbors if they had noticed any suspicious activity, the neighbors—soft-spoken and well dressed—advise them not to report the crime to the police until they “make a few phone calls and see what can be done.” Apparently the neighbors have good connections, because the next morning the burglary victims find all their possessions piled neatly on their front porch.



Although the suburban version is told in several large American cities as a recent occurrence, similar stories of stolen goods being returned after a discreet inquiry by a friend or acquaintance have circulated since the 1930s, sometimes said to have taken place in a foreign country. Older American versions imply that the helpful person had Stateside gangland connections, not necessarily Mafia-related.

Some versions of the story are told about an American academic abroad who is attending a conference or summer school in Italy or Sicily. When the visitor’s rental car is stolen, the hosts of the local event advise the visiting scholar to wait a day before reporting the theft to the police. The next morning the car is found, freshly washed, parked in front of the host institute. In variations of the story, the visitor’s stolen purse, billfold, or original copy of his or her dissertation is returned.

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The Heel in the Grate Urban Legends

This is one of the rare “true” urban legends, that is, a story that can be traced—despite its many variations—to a verifiable incident in a specific time and place. Here is a summary of how the story was quoted in Reader’s Digest for January 1958 taken from a Lutheran periodical, which had in turn quoted it from a newspaper in Kitchener-Waterloo, Ontario, Canada:



During the choir’s recessional after a Sunday service in an Ontario church the last singer in the women’s section got her spike heel caught in a heating grate in the aisle. She pulled her foot free, leaving her shoe stuck in the grate, and kept on walking and singing. The man behind her reached down to pick up the shoe, but the whole grate came up with it. “And then in tune and in time to the beat, the next man stepped into the open register.” Essentially the same story has been told and printed many times, sometimes describing the scene as a church wedding with the bride falling into the grate, other times saying the minister was the one who took the fall. In other versions, the minister begins the benediction saying, “And now onto Him who will keep us from falling . . . ,” and the entire congregation collapses in laughter. The story took yet another twist when introduced into the plot of the 1966 film The Glass Bottom Boat, with Doris Day portraying the woman who lost her heel in a space station’s “clean room” grate and Dick Martin in the role of the man who fell into the open duct.

Signed testimonials from participants in the original incident—including from the actual choir member who fell into the opening—have established that it really happened in the spring of 1948 at the Presbyterian Church in Hanover, Indiana. Marj Heyduck, writing in the Dayton Journal Herald, described the incident in a 1957 column from which all subsequent variations seem to derive. Heyduck’s version, expanded in speeches she gave, eventually added the “benediction” motif, which participants denied had been part of the incident.



Heyduck died in 1969; three participants furnished their testimonials in 1987. The case seemed to have been closed, but in 1993, a Denver woman came forward claiming to have been the soprano who got her shoe caught in a grate at the same Hanover Presbyterian Church—in 1943 or 1944! However, in this instance, the “large and heavy” grate was only tipped, and the man who stepped on it fell to his knees but not actually into the heating duct. This account also claims that the minister did deliver the “keep us from falling” benediction.

Although the specific dating and details of the story are still difficult to sort out, it seems clear that all the later generic heel-in-the-grate legends did originate in some kind of incident that took place during the 1940s in a church in Hanover, Indiana.

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The Hare Dryer Urban Legends

Also known as “The Blow-Dried Bunny,” “The Resurrected Rabbit,” or “Bunny Bounces Back,” this story swept the United States and then went international in 1988 and 1989. It was rampant in oral tradition, and everyone from local newspaper columnists to Johnny Carson and his on-air guests were reprinting or retelling it. Some vestiges of this vigorous tradition lingered on for several more years. Here is a concise version as written out in 1995 by a man in Virginia:



I heard this “true” story recently. A woman in Fairfax owned a dog that was heartily disliked by her neighbors. One day while the woman was doing her wash, the dog appeared with a neighbor’s beloved pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and it was covered with dirt. So the dog owner, wanting to cover up her pet’s crime, washed off the dirt, fluffed up the fur with a hair dryer, and carefully returned the rabbit to its cage. Hours later, the dog owner heard piercing screams from the vicinity of the neighbor’s yard. Assuming a look of innocence, she rushed to the scene and asked what had happened. “Our rabbit died this morning, and we buried it,” the shaken neighbor replied, “And now it’s back in its cage!”

In another version, a babysitter who finds the dead rabbit washes it in Woolite, then hangs it by its ears in the shower to dry. There are prototypes for the central plot element of this legend in an older story about a “dead” pet that seemingly revives when it is airshipped home for burial. An even older rural tale describes someone putting a dead pig back in its sty, arranging it in a lifelike posture. Cowboy poet and country musician Leo Eilts of Kansas City, Missouri, performs his versified version of the legend titled “Annie’s Rabbit.” One verse describes how the cowboys disposed of the dog-chewed body:



First we shampooed Fluffy’s body of the dirt and gunk and grime. Then we blew him dry and brushed him till his fur did fairly shine. On September 21, 2004, the “Dear Abby” column, then being written by Jeanne Phillips, published a long first-person report from a reader who claimed that her husband’s pet rabbit “Blossom” had died, been dug up by a neighbor’s dog and . . . all the rest of the familiar story. After carrying the plot to some ridiculous extremes, the writer concluded, “I really don’t know where it will end.” But “Dear Abby” replied, sensibly, “You may not but I do. It’s going to end here and now.” She identified the story as “an urban legend . . . so old it has whiskers,” and cited snopes.com and several media re-tellings of “The Hare Dryer” as proof, concluding “Thank you for sharing it with me. It’s still a thigh-slapper.” With an advice columnist doing the job for me so expertly, maybe I can take some breaks from researching urban legends and go fishing or skiing more often.

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